Dear cookbook diary,
Today was supposed to be a special launch related to my cookbook.
After all, it is February 22, 2022. 02/22/2022 All those 2’s are supposed to be auspicious in New Age circles. After watching this funny crystal video by Conscious Trap a couple years ago, I couldn’t stop singing “two twenty two”!
From Chinese philosophy, 2’s are great because good things come in pairs. As a child and even to this day, I play with numbers in my mind from clocks, license plates, signs, and phone numbers. I don’t think it’s healthy but I guess it depends on who you ask. It’s human to want to assign meaning and archetypes to things.
So in the fall I made this wish, which is exactly what it was, a wish, to launch a Kickstarter campaign for my cookbook, Plant-Based Pacific. Then a series of events knocked the proverbial wind from my sail. I watched my 102 year old grandmother take her last breath and I was confronted with mortality in a personal way. It seemed like most of my friendships had really fizzled out due to lack of contact. I thought about adding more clients to my personal chef schedule again but then a new COVID variant appeared like clockwork each time.
Lots of technology slow downs, like not enough memory on my computer or phone to store pics or videos. Having to relearn how to do things because technology keeps changing. Deciding to work on other creative projects because they “felt easier”.
Delays in all aspects. Succumbing to the beast that is social media and how it can make you feel like crap because you aren’t a spring chicken anymore. You keep seeing what you are writing and photographing done by other creators, but better…and they just started.
22:22 on the night of 02/22/2022
So on the advent of this day, I woke up several times including 22:22pm after going to bed early and then again at 2:00am. My mind was reeling with too many mean girl thoughts.
“You never finish anything.” “Nobody wants to read your cookbook.” “People don’t even care what you do because you are invisible.” “You are too old to be relevant, Gen Xer.” “You sound like a child.” “You aren’t even full Filipino, so you have no clout in writing Filipino recipes.” “You are hardly Japanese, so you are a cultural appropriator.” “You suck!” and on and on.
So I woke up in a terrible funk on a day that was supposed to be special.
I wallowed in it for a while, ate lunch leftovers and then decided to finish something today.
I finished my blog post about Citrus Marmalade.
Are we all narcissists?
In Western society it’s really easy to get caught up in “I, me, and mine” and we are taught to think of ourselves, not a group. It’s really easy to be a narcissist and it is encouraged. This lazy, procrastinating, nervous perfectionist is still learning. I told my husband that I’m not comfortable doing food videos showing me in the frame because we have a rental, galley kitchen. Hello? The entitlement! People all over the world would love my kitchen and just because it’s not so-called “instagramable” doesn’t mean people wouldn’t find value in learning something new. Hey, they might even feel more comfortable with someone with an “average” kitchen. So I cleaned that kitchen top to bottom, even the fridge vents and found a new enthusiasm.
Time in Nature
Then I decided I need time away from the computer and I went on a walk to a neighborhood trail.
It was a warm 84 degrees and I listened to an inspiring podcast from Wisdom of the Sages. I saw butterfiles, heard a babbling brook, and took deep breaths up many hills. I felt better.
Then my podcast stopped and I saw it was 2:22pm. I felt a lightness.
So here I am feeling a little better and with a little more self compassion. Not all is lost. It’s great to keep learning and be vulnerable, even after 40. So to put my bad day into perspective, here are some wins so I can look back at what I accomplished recently (even if no one reads this but me!)
- I learned how to shoot overhead video. Check out my unboxing video of some tea from Japan.
Unboxing Karel Capek Tea
- Started a Youtube Channel for my Etsy store – KawaYamaMoriHama
- Created a set up for Live video on Zoom for virtual cooking classes with OBS software
- Learned how to create intros and outros for Youtube on Canva
- Went through hundreds of family photos and scanned over 20+ photos from my childhood
- Learned more Filipino recipes from my mom
- Researched what it takes to launch a Kickstarter campaign
- Contacted a graphic designer on Reedsy and got a quote for cover and book layout
- Transferred recipes from Google Docs into Scrivener for outlining purposes
- Bought a Hobonichi Weeks Planner just for planning chef activities and cookbook
and using it consistently
- I learned how to make my own stickers and have them cut out at home. Thanks ScanNCut!
- I wrote 10 recipes in 2021 and took high-quality photographs using Replica Surfaces and outdoor setups with homegrown tropical foliage.
- Visited the Big Island and Kauai in the summer to get inspired by the islands…again!
- Connected with a lovely Filipino man who has great dreams of opening vegan Filipino restaurants
and asked me to be involved
- Interviewed by Catering, Events and Food Service magazine for an article called
Some photography for the cookbook
So the longer I am working on this project that has spanned many years, the more I have to realize that this journey is a windy road, with bumps and colorful characters, breakdowns both physical and mental, and maybe even has a traffic circle where I go round and round for a while. I’m still trying to reach out to people along the way. I want to support them, do MORE SERVICE, and get out of this narcissistic mindset that my value is tied to my projects. Someone who does absolutely nothing but eat and sleep and look cute is my cat Mochiko. I never ask her “When are you going to make it big, Mochi?”
We are all inherently good souls and cannot be attached to the fruits of our endeavors. We do not control the time line. All we can do is try our best, be kind and compassionate to others and our ego-driven selves. I keep telling myself, “Don’t Give Up!” even if this whole thing is going to take a bit more time.
If you read to the end, you must be an awesome and kind person!
PS This post contains affiliate links so my blog remains ugly-AD free. If you purchase anything, I get a little something at no cost to you.